running for it

the gym is saving my soul these days.  beyond it’s obvious health benefits and contributions to weight loss, it is the thing that tethers my heart to hope.  with the vigorous motion, my mind is able to clear and i am able to more firmly root myself in possibility.  i must be honest – today, as i was running on the treadmill, the tears flowed freely.  that’s kind of embarrassing?!  anyone else been there?  not an hour goes by that i don’t feel the dream of making my desire to be a series regular on tv a reality.  the tears sometimes come so easily, like today, i just felt stuck–like i wasn’t moving forward.   then the ellen degeneres show came on – rihanna was on.  she was belting “hard” which has been a personal anthem as of late.

as i watched her (via closed captioning) — i was re-inspired.  i have long been inspired by ellen’s use of her voice–and rihanna’s always been nothing short of a rock star.  i’m a little embarrassed that i wasn’t just crying in my car, i was teary on the treadmill.  and how easily the tears flow, does anyone else out there relate?  when i think i cannot run another pace, i run some more, with one singular thought motivating my every move.  it is probably no surprise that my DREAM-beyond-an-unbelieveable-dream would be to be on grey’s anatomy.  is it too revealing to just go out there and say it?

since i cannot control that, i can control running.  and running i will keep doing, so that if the telephone rings, i’ll be fit and ready.

what the horrible fashion?

grammy’s – haven’t watched them yet.  socialness took precedence and too tired to watch them now.  did catch all the red carpet arrivals thanks to e!’s seacrest and guiliana.

i really only have 2 HONORABLE MENTIONS?!?!

two? this is so sad.  where was all the FABULOUS FASHIONS?

carrie underwood knocked it out of the park and i’m not even a huge fan of her music/look.  she gets #1 in my book.

and ri-ri gets an honorable mention because she looked good and not like a train wreck.

now i know this is the grammy’s, when all the crazy schizo fashion comes out to play.  the problem was it just seemed lackluster, blah, boring.  moving on.  i’ll watch the awards tomorrow (i know, so 24 hours ago!) and get up-to-speed on pop-culture.

haiti mon amour

…not gonna leave you stranded… ♥

sag awards

first of all i am LOVING hope for haiti album that is available on itunes, based on the brilliant telecast that george clooney orchestrated.  taylor swift’s song on it is good but “haiti mon amour” by jay-z, rihanna and bono is just simply breathtaking!

i cried through a lot of the show,…i can’t even go there right now, that will be a video blog for later days.

here’s my fashion wrap-up–mostly focused on those who really stepped it up from last weekend’s golden globes!  it was simply gorgeous entertainment this weekend.

looking BEAUTIFUL, this was her evening! well deserved.

loving how the royal blue pops!

precious moment.

much improved from last week! good job tina!

see tina, now you look like a movie star!

so. much. better. than. before.

wow! not gonna lie, wish my body was that gorgeous!

adorable!

lovin’ the boho-chic!

not loving the dress but she’s just so darn likeable

pretty pretty and so nice! (met her at the oscars last year)

the cost of beauty?

“But what I call this is female cross dressing. In other words a woman that over accentuates her femaleness – who becomes a Barbie doll – that always really concerns me. That suggests some significant trauma. And rather than treating that, making her go through all this…I’m glad she’s satisfied with it – God bless her – I’m glad she’s happy but this is not going to be the end of it.”
-Dr. Drew in this article

I have to agree.  Trauma.  The covering of serious pain.  The neglect of one’s self worth.  And I just have to ask, what doctor in their right, ethical mind would operate 10 times on a 23 year-old?  This is not a victim of an accident or a major medical deformity.  I mean, in every effort to be transparent, there are days I’ve had–dark evenings when I’ve come home from being out in public all day long and I’m simply exhausted.  Evenings in which I want to hide, hide from normal looking people, after all the comments I’ve gotten and for some reason the 8th comment just really gets to me in a way it never has before.  Maybe because I’m tired, maybe because on that specific day I’m not feeling confident about my looks, or maybe it’s just an off day, but that one comment just finagles its way into me like a leech.  But really, days like that usually heal themselves after a good sleep, a good bit of talking or a reality check.  I refuse to let my heart stay there.  I was made this way, maybe by genetic accident, but it was allowed.  And really, it is a reminder that there will always be people more beautiful and there will always be people more ugly–whether they feel more ugly, are ugly on the inside or just not as symmetrical as American beauty aspires to.  But please Heidi, this oversexualization, this cutting, this frantic, manic quest for perfection is only displacing what’s really going on–the hurt that lingers when you’re alone, the thoughts that come to mind when you can’t sleep, and the deep pain that was inflicted upon you when you were in formation.

He who began a good work in you,

will be faithful to complete it.

Update:

she can’t even speak normally or move her face?  she broke her face is all i can think about, broke it and stuffed it and moved it around.  it’s just so sad to me, when she talks, she seems non-human.  she spent 3 years obsessed?  i feel like if you look at the mirror long enough to come up with 10 plans for surgery you might just need to stop looking in the mirror, stop obsessing about yourself, go see a therapist and find a cause to obsess about it.

what do you think?

golden globes fashion

i was sick this year, so i watched the 2nd half of the globes on the east coast feed live, and then watched the 1st half on the delayed west coast feed. still though, don’t think i’d forget about dishing red carpet fash’ons and fash’offs.  i would think that the true “worst dressed” were the ones that were absolutely forgettable and thus not even mentioned.

a hard dress to pull off, but done well

i was rough on her last year, most improved

dress is cool, styling a little off

dress has potentional, awkward tailoring

amazing hair & makeup, pretty dress, lose the necklace

best dressed. unique AND beautiful hands down winner.

never liked her red carpet style much but pregnancy suits her!! love that she got some sun!

adorabs! always love him! dapper.

classy mother-daughter pair

cute couple, but what’s up with her hair? blegh.

felicity killed it, william h. not so much

love from the waist up, but ugh too petite for that full of a dress…

sigh :)

jury’s still out on the dress, but she’s too adorabs to ignore

reason not to get a tattoo like that, it tackifies what woulda been beauts

improves!!! much better than that big hair moment she had last year

makeup and dress are flawless, her hair looked a little wet from afar, still A

whoa, any woman would kill to look like this!

photos courtesy of yahoo’s red carpet.

other things i loved about this night:

• glee!  glee!  glee!
• mo’nique’s speech was absolute PERFECTION.
• meryl streep

sara & jen do the flea market

another video blog, just for you, brought to you by jen montzingo and sara mann…

dreams for 2010

i have recently taken up jogging on the treadmill to the fastest music i can move to.  i don’t know why i hadn’t discovered this before, as it is the only pulsating rhythm that quiets and also singularly crystallizes my frantic thoughts.  things become quieter, clearer and yet my vision becomes louder, stronger–like a driving drumbeat that syncopates and colors everything.

i have given up various sweets and treats and eating for any kind of emotional purpose other than what my body requires to live.  as i am letting go of the need for food as comfort, my body has also shed itself and it is like my purpose has become clearer–this driving force i can no longer escape by silencing it with mush and junk.

as i run, as the music pounds in my head and my vision hyperfocuses i think a lot about what i want to run toward.  the emmy’s, the emmy’s, the emmy’s was the singular phrase that coarsed through my veins with every beat of my heart.  having made great progress in not feeding myself emotionally with food, i am seeing more of an actors’ body and becoming more free with it.  things have become clearer as i have not been self-medicating with numbing carbohydrates.  the emmy’s, the emmy’s, the emmy’s. i was inspired by the video below,

i think i’m gonna do my own version soon…

merry christmas!

the point is: clean up your side of the street

I love RyRy so much–as a friend and as a communicator — thank you Ryan for letting me appear on your show.  I am better for knowing you and so glad you are my friend.  If you are interested in seeing the video that spurred this conversation, click here.

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What do you think?  Did this conversation stir up anything for you? Leave your comments below.