if this blog succeeds at anything, i hope it is frank-ish. my goal for 2008 is fearless living. blogging challenges me to be candid where i struggle with over-composing myself as not to offend anyone. hello and yes–my last post was completely silly, ridiculous and pointless. it was what it was.
i ran a bunch of errands today and in the process was stopped by several strangers saying “hey! saw you on that show!” and the like. i usually feel altogether bashful in those moments. it is humbling to realize that people are watching you walk through a store and deciding whether or not to approach you. it makes me cautious and a little timid, realizing people watch how you live.
i am altogether a mix of tensions and polarities because there are other moments where i am less appreciative of it all. and that is an attitude that i would like to adjust within myself. there have been websites i have been on where my craft or my side venture have been promoted solely because of who my friends are. these strangers do not know my friends personally, and while i adore my friends, sometimes being linked confuses me. sometimes i wonder why i am more important to certain people because of who i know. (although i am appreciative of someone considering me worth promoting at all). i was really struggling with that the last few weeks.
then my hyprocrisy hit me square in the face. i freakin’ enjoy people magazine, the oscars, tad bits of popular culture and sorts. i am no different. i put myself out there to be analyzed and critiqued and absorbed. these people are just like me. i asked for it, in a way. well kind of, considering i am only “in it” by association and i really am not “in it” wholly.
so really, we’re all the same. yes. i’m not special. maybe i’m just as desperate, although i really am content to be me, so i must admit i don’t think i am. the desperate letters sort of scare me, because they seem to place an extraordinary amount of pressure for me to “create a moment” for a perfect stranger. but i do thrive on the genuine well-wishes and exchanges from strangers who merely enjoy my friends’ show as entertainment, it provides me the opportunity to hear stories from people’s lives.
the lighthearted and fun exchanges enrich me–as do words from sorrowful eyes telling me that the show lifts their mood or provides comfort. i am only afraid of those who approach entertainment as their salvation, their religion, for entertainment is what it is but it won’t keep you warm at night. i am afraid of the desperation for i do not have adequate powers to sustain someone else’s wholeness. i am inadequate and i am only me.
i am humble and i am grateful and of course i realize that my overall contribution to the show is .0001% in the total scheme of things.
i bought cs lewis’ letters to children today and i think it speaks greatly to this. i am learning more and more than i am forever inadequate and yet wholly me. i am enough, but you are free to take it or leave it. i am becoming more comfortable in my skin and yet embracing the humanity of my flaws and the grace that pervades without my deserving any of it.
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