Today was kind of a rough day.

I didn’t get a part I was in the final phase of vying for.  I know all the good stuff about being positive and I will continue to be so, but I have to let a little of the sadness empower me and propel me to want it even more and work even harder.  Although I realize I can only do my best and then leave it in the casting directors hands and so much of it is out of my control.  And I am ever so thankful to Jodi Rothfield Casting and to Jodi Rothfield personally for her dear encouragement, belief in me and beyond amazing talent.  She is a gem and I am so thankful that she is in my life.  (She is my Seattle connection to Hollywood…she gets me on tape so I can send it off to LA without forking my life savings via airfare.  I realize I will soon have to move to NYC or LA to pursue any avenue into this industry whether it be in front of or behind the camera, but for now, I am in my hometown).

I also had a rough conversation in which I felt unknown and my intentions completely misinterpreted even when I tried to explain.  You can’t please everyone all the time, which is tough for me.  Actually totally painful.

Back to acting, I know another “no” puts me closer to the “yes” I dream of.  And making it down to the final 2 or 3 must mean I was good enough for the gig, there was just something that made them go with someone else this time.  But at least they could envision me doing it.  My friend Hilary’s audition blogs are the fat-free version of gorging myself with ice cream on bad days.

Tomorrow, I will be greeted by 18 smiling faces, 18 “Jenny’s!!!” and 18 hugs which makes me stop dreaming about my acceptance speech til about lunchtime.  In the meantime, in the field of this “no”, I will enjoy the precious privilege of caring for 18 3-year-olds.  I hope my “yes” is coming soon.

this week something happened that reinvigorated my love of acting/auditioning and the whole bit.  i can’t talk about it for awhile, but i’m seriously still just soaking it in.    i was born to do this, among a few other things.

God has blessed me with so many wonderful things in my life, and I will spend my entire life trying to figure out why. If you had told me a few years ago I would have been nominated with the people that I’ve been nominated with, I would have called you absolutely insane.

– Carrie Underwood

As I’ve mentioned here, here and here, I love the heroism and triumph of awards shows.  Particularly, I’m moved by a good acceptance speech.

In an industry where becoming jaded is effortless, fruitless auditions feel merciless, it’s easy to sell out, give up and go home.

For me a good acceptance speech stirs my soul and reminds me that the blood, sweat and tears of every unglamorous step in my journey may ultimately pay-off.  When someone hits it big and earns the respect of their colleagues or fans through a major award, I celebrate. 

Tears are shed each time I am moved by an impassioned, thankful acceptance speech.  It is a beautiful redemption.  Grace causes me to wonder.

glamorous, right?  getting your makeup done is so…glamorous?  i’m probably going to some fancy party, right?  some premiere?  toting my assistant around probably, because i have seven…i mean none.

because if you knew getting my makeup done meant only concealer, photo-ready foundation and big red circles of creme blush on my cheeks…this picture wouldn’t be half as cool.  this is from a gig i did in portland a week ago monday.  just to give you all a little glimpse into what life as a striving actress is really like.  i did a photo shoot with 4 others advertising a company giving away a free porsche to the winner.  the people i worked for were really nice and i’m thankful for the gig, although i have to admit i sort of felt like a sell out.  they paid extremely well so i donned an elf outfit and posed merrily with a porsche.  fancy. 

i really am not complaining.  this is life!  you start at the bottom and you sometimes sell out if the money is high enough and you’re really broke.  i just want to dispell the misconceptions that everything in this industry is glamorous.  this is for a big billboard off the freeway in portland.  and i, being ever-so-passionate about breaking out of stereotypes, am in an elf costume.   [insert hypocracy here].

See, I am doing a new thing!  -Isaiah 43:19

Truthfully, the WOF conference came at the most inconvenient time for me this year.  It was the weekend before the weeklong Little People of America Conference, the same weekend as a dear friend’s wedding and the same weekend in which I was bloody, bloody sick.

But it is the only chance for me to connect with my friend Marilyn.  It’s more than just that, but you may read about that in a previous blog entitled  why I go.

Anyways, back to starting a new thing.  I took my little arena seat in the front row and felt heavy that night.  It was not as if I expected to have or did have a come-to-Jesus-moment because my life has never worked that way.  But in the quietness of my heart and through the words of each speaker, my hope was being renewed, little seed by seed.

My discouragement was summed up in one sentence by that casting director. 

-The world is not ready for a LP heroine.

Her words had ricocheted around my mind for over a week until, sitting in that seat, I heard a small voice say,

-The world might not be ready yet, but the kingdom IS.

And so maybe this blog is mostly for me, ammunition to face my next daunting audition, kinda like Melissa Etheridge’s latest song being literally called message to myself.

God’s doing a new thing in me.  God’s won’t stop doing new things until I die and I think when that happens I’ll turn into the newest, completed, whollest possible version of me.  I must keep fighting, working, creating to pave the way.  I am not finished because I am alive.

The next series of blogs, intermittently broken up by something broadwayesque i’m sure, will be little ebenezers.  Messages to myself, and to you, things i jotted down in the notebook i carry around with me that i’ve fondly begun calling “blog starters”. 

overall, i am a very fickle person.  i admit it wholly.  my confidence in god’s provision has more to do with my current status than any absolute truth that he is faithful.  call it generational sin, call it postmodernism, call it a faith that was born in the pacific northwest, in the city, in an individualistic western culture.

at least i am aware of this even when things are going well.  i’m so hesitant to go “praise god” because i know that i was probably doubting his existence five minutes earlier when things didn’t go my way.  i’m not naturally trusting, it’s a trait i’m working on as we speak.

i’ve lived a bit of a gritty, earthy existence.  if we were to have coffee a few times, you probably wouldn’t really know.  i’m gutsy and ballsy on one hand, but not quick to divulge the stories of my soul.  i’ve lived life in a glass house in more ways than one and i’m slow to unravel my life’s threads to anyone.  but life has taught me to a bit skittish toward any absolutes, because things change behind closed doors.  usually the louder someone proclaims something as an absolute, the more likely it is that that very thing creeps under their doors at night, paging ted haggard.  faith-filled families do not always escape the grit you’d hope grace would erase.

i’ve become fairly proud of my tenacity, resiliency, and toughness.  marilyn meberg called me her bright-eyed baby, but there’s really more to me than just bright-eyes.  i know she knows that, but still the affirmation makes me pur like a cat.  i’m proud that my eyes still appear bright, when i’ve seen a lot of things in life.  the fact that there is any spunk left in me is a testament that jesus christ still reigns.

on the other hand, claiming my own strength can be a pitfall.  i don’t often know where god’s sovereignty begins and free-will ends.  i wrote this in my journal the other day:

god it feels like i don’t know if you want me to or have a major opinion on me doing this movie, or any aspect of my day-to-day-life.  all i can ask for today is that you care for my heart throughout and not let me get too discouraged.

maybe it’s my methodist/wesleyan/holiness upbringing, but i don’t know if god controls the outcome of day-to-day events.  it’s so easy to blame him for a sour audition, getting or not getting a part, or a relational issue.  so i have resorted to asking him to merely watch over my heart, no matter where life leads.  maybe that’s bad theology.  but if i were to ask him to control day-to-day life, there would be a lot of childhood pain he would be held accountable for.  things i believe were the results of human sin.  it’s too painful to imagine god sitting there watching all that, so i’d rather just thank him for holding me intact.

father god.  mother god.  both bring their issues.

32% of americans believe in moral absolutes, quoted a pastor of a church i have been to off and on this year… it’s a baptist/”non-denomenational” church.  call me crazy but since when did a baptist church become non-denominational for the sake of being cute and trendy?  i wanna know what i’m paying for and this frustrates me to no end!

this pastor is a believer of moral absolutes.  i guess on one hand i am too, things like the ten commandments are pretty good absolutes.  god exists and god is love.  statements of faith are excellent.  but in this case, he was talking about the difference between faith being knowledge vs. experience (referencing barna) and the tug between rationalism and romanticism.  i got a little tired from the exhortation, the battle seemed a little heavy. 

he did ask a good question–
which is more beneficial to my christian life?  self denial or pursuing happiness?

call it old fashioned conviction, but this hit me hard.  as an early-20’s, college graduate, free-spirited city girl–somehow pursuing self seemed okay as long as there was morality thrown in there, as long as i wasn’t hurting anyone.  i’ve always felt i had to take care of my emotional needs, even as a baby girl, so it confuses me to now think about turning over the reigns to someone who i wanted to step in long ago. 

i don’t want to be selfish, but i’m awfully nervous about this whole you’re the boss thing.  anyone else?

so the “news” that i have been mulling over has been a whirlwind couple weeks.  tapes and phone calls and two weeks later, the principal film role i was in the top 2 for has been dropped.  the casting director said it was “too risky to have of of the main parts be a little person in a non-stereotypical role” and they were “going in a different direction and dropping this character entirely”.  it just irritates me because the entire point of the show i am on regularly (via my best family friends) is to show that little people are normal and it has extremely high ratings.  we don’t live in castles!  i guess our society hasn’t come far enough yet–african-americans and gays are mainstream but i’m not invited to the party yet.

we don’t have enough power to lobby against this–we don’t have an naacp or anything.  she flat out told me america is not ready to see a little person in a principal role in mainstream society.  that maddens me!

it continues to fire my passion to fight so that one day my daughter can continue to see people that look like her on television in non-degrading roles.  another ‘no’ gives me more ammunition to keep striving, propelling forward.  mark my words, i will not dance around on mtv as a miniature pop-starlet, i will not give up artistry for the sake of shallow entertainment, i will not portray myself in a way that perpetuates another stereotype.

now many of you will find my role in radio city a contradiction to this.  i have to admit that i had a preconceived negative opinion about radio city while i was in high school and college.  the head people would come to convention and recruit little people for the show and i would always turn up my nose at it.  i pursued higher education, for that i am very thankful, and ignored the whole scene despite the fact that i knew i would enjoy radio city as well.  (i began acting and speaking professionally when i was 4.)  anyways, i admit it, in this case i was a snob.  there is more to radio city than being a cheerful christmas elf.  the reason that radio city is distinguished in my mind is because everyone in the cast wears crazy, colorful costumes!!  little people are not the only ones on stage making a fool of ourselves!  we are treated just as kindly as everyone else.  another reason that radio city is targeted to being a family friendly show…every aspect of the show is geared towards children.  so yes, there are elves, christmas toys, santa, mrs. claus and of course, who could forget, the radio city rockettes!!!

i hope that as a person of faith i can continue to seek after this–justice and openness and throwing open the doors for all people, even in the entertainment industry.  god is bigger and his vision is wider. 

Legally Blonde: What You Want (Today Show 6-13-07)

enjoy this little clip, it’s a summery sunny day–this musical is kinda broadway lite, but it’s still fun.

okay, life lesson of the day–don’t be too jaded–because on friday, i got this phone message from this lady who said she was a casting director at such-and-such casting agency and they wanted to bring me in to read for the role of this character for this untitled movie project.  i was really confused how this lady got my cell phone number and i’ve watched enough tyra banks episodes while i was laid up on scams in the acting industry.

rarely do i have anyone call my cell phone, usually they just call my agent and if it’s legit they bring me in from there.  so i sort of wrote it off, calling her back and just saying if this is legitimate to call my agent and go through her. 

the casting director saw me on the show and hand-picked me from there, i’m told.

so then, i get home tonight from being gone at the wedding i was in all weekend and decide to google the casting agency and the movie title and the production company and all are totally legitimate and thriving!

this is what you get when you finally become jaded!

i can’t release the names of anyone or the title, but it’s a big, big project and i’m trying to not get too excited!  so i may be on a plane to la on tuesday to read for the producers and do a screen test with the others who have been cast so far! 

it’s such a challenge to be hopeful and thankful about an experience but not get your hopes up too high.  what a task.

it’s official.  in between filling out long teaching applications in case i don’t get rehired for radio city (or in case the grown up world beckons and i must find a nine to five with real health insurance), i’ve already started pre-worrying.  my radio city audition is the first week of july, which means i really have two more months of a worry-fest, thus this being called pre-worrying.  i figure the audition will be nerve-wracking as i stare around the room and compare myself to every other cheerful, dynamic bird out there–a habit that began early on in art class.  i figure that there is rhyme and reason to this time of anxiety.  right now is the season of worrying that you will never get to sing christmas songs with those you are still missing like crazy.  in 3 more weeks i will haul out (the holly?)…no…i will haul out my old music and dance and sharpen up.  then i will worry if it’s a fist or a blade hand and doubt myself.  the week prior to the audition i will rack my brain for every other person i feel is more talented than me which i will then notice at the audition.  i will audition and it will probably go just fine, because really, i can be quite charming and sparkling when i set my mind to it.  but i will still worry after the audition if i was snazzy enough and if they will hire me.  really, i have good self-esteem even if you are doubting it right now, i just really want this job again.  coupled with i really want another job to bookend it.  i actually have a couple leads already.  the joy of coming home to seattle where connections are much more available.

i miss the one king west’s lobby, walking up the long street (was it king or yonge, i forget?) after our evening show and seeing people gathered by the bar or checking email at their laptops.  i miss sitting at the bar and hearing ryan kelly, matt fish and adam w. tell audition stories.  i miss watching the guy from the monkees, mickey, tell me and lo the same child hollywood star story every time we saw him.  i miss seeing jeff q., justin and adam g. saunter in in the wee hours of the morning with their glass of red wine.  i miss seeing “mrs. claus” drunk, and hilary, you know what i mean.  i miss having burgers with karie, hilary, ellie and correy after an afternoon matinee.  i miss going to the little breakfast place with stacey on our monday off and then going to the h&m at the eaton centre where i would ask her ”does this go with brown gauchos?” and we would debate what makes tacky plastic chic and what makes it just downright tacky.  i miss going shopping with adam w. and him teaching me what the best sub at quizno’s was.  i miss hanging out with little charlotte and hoola-hooping and playing games in the green room.  i miss walking into the girls ensemble dressing room before the show and hearing jen dow talk about sex and eating gummy candies.  i miss talking educational theory with annie and i miss going to the dollar store with stacey to buy as many nativity girl stationery kits that we could find.  i miss laura and chad and even their dog lola.  i miss having sweet potato fries with laura and jenelle.  i miss talking about sho’s riffs with adam w. and obsessing with chris s.  i miss teaching ali rose how to do myspace and going late at night with her to richtree’s for crepes.  i miss everything about dirty skirts and hearing mrs. claus say tammy toooooooo.  i miss sitting at the bar with the ensemble boys and gawking at shoshana bean when she walked into the lobby at 11pm after wicked’s show with her gucci (or something) sunglasses and huge louis vuitton purse.  i miss being all giddy and feeling like her brilliance would somehow enter us by osmosis.  i miss hearing dan’s voice over the speakers giving us the most hilarious 30-minute call.  i miss the kiddos, particularly miss diva who had more juicy than juicy and knew more designers than i did.  i liked her mom a lot.  i even miss smiling about the one who’s mom told me his resume nearly everyday and the one whose mom and her warmed up doing spinny-things together (i don’t know the ballet word).  i miss kelly’s sweet smile during “man with the bag” while i was waiting for my call for “reprise”.  i miss making the rockettes laugh doing themes during reprise–especially niki and laura.  i miss hearing about jocelyne’s dates and i miss katie martin’s infectious laughs and sweetness.  i miss laughing with stacey because a particular nameless rockette asked sho what part she played in wicked.  i miss gleaning from hilary’s wisdom and i miss margaret’s easygoing, professional temperament.  i miss that one really good chat in the beginning of the rosie/donald feud at that classy bar with correy, hilary and matt g.  i miss playing apples to apples with matt g. and stacey and other people over nachos.  i miss hearing about “scotland” from karie and that time we did the gingerbread party and that night we watched charlie brown christmas.  i miss connor and all that he is.  i miss performing even the awkward costumes and facial hair.  i miss hearing ali rose and the poinsettas sing wicked songs from their little box in the middle of holiday spirit.  i miss the niceness of the one king and when my dad and brother came to visit.  i miss eating at the cn tower when the brann’s came and how fun it was going out with them to eat after the show and going window shopping with them in fancy district.  i miss my first trip to whole foods aka whole paycheck with niki and her being faster than a new york minute.  i miss that big ugly hat annie wore in the audience once.  i even miss when dennis said “elves don’t dance dumb”.  i miss the waving smiling kids in the front row and sitting in the velvet with charlotte and seeing act 1 for the 49123481th time but with her she felt each time was new.  i miss my favorite part of holiday spirit which was “all the overtime hours without extra pay” and then when we did roll call every time i would think how correy would change the names, instead of louie “tiffani amber thiessen”. i miss the huge paychecks every week :) 

i even miss four show saturdays, singing the same song over and over and being nervous that everytime dennis came he would fire me because the first day i didn’t know what downstage was. 

Keep Breathing–Ingrid Michaelson

(sidenote:  listen to the song above, first heard on grey’s anatomy…) 

actors are dreamers, i think its what sustains us.  since our longings and hopings are so often yet untangible–dreaming is what anchors our heart to hope.  we can have what we deem to be the most glorious audition only to find we weren’t cast because our left leg was a tad “askew”.

i think that most would agree that we spend more time dreaming than actually being paid to act–unless you are in the top 1% of working actors that have consistent, meaningful employment. 

i find that most people not in this industry do not understand why we would put ourselves through it.  i realize that makes sense, why would anyone willingly put themselves through that kind of pain, rejection and angst?

i recently (forget the exact source) heard one of my theatrical heroes, kristin chenoweth, giving advice to someone who asked if they should pursue professional acting?  she said something to the effect of, “only if you can’t imagine yourself doing anything else?”

this is not to say that i don’t have other life goals, such as authoring, mothering and hosting/interviewing.  but the thread of acting professionally has run through my veins from the time i was three years old and i cannot imagine myself doing anything else.

it’s really tempting to artistically “sell out” sometimes.  i hear of plenty of little people who perform in parts i consider degrading or basically shallow.  i realize “to each their own” and it probably sounds harsh that i say this.  i don’t want to be judgmental, except to say, that I could not find value in dancing around as a miniature version of a “personality” at your local birthday party, club or bar mitzvah.  i just couldn’t.  yet i don’t have the right to judge others who do.

it’s easy to empathize with those who don’t understand why this industry–on bad days, i’d be right with you.  yet the passionate desire in my heart when i rise and fall asleep is to be on tv in a mainstream role, and for this, all i can do is keep breathing.