we can take a moment

we can take a moment…

holiness and wholeness.  is it any better if you fragment your life and pretend something’s not there?  some people of faith say so.  don’t ask don’t tell.  i disagree.

i resigned this week from a personal role i had worked hard to attain.  i chose to walk away because i don’t think it was what i was really made for.  it was a respected role.  it was scary to say no.  what if my life now garners little respect?  while i bowed out, i also now breathe more deeply?  while it was respected, i felt isolated to my true personhood.  i’m more and more just content to be me.

fighting out of isolation is brave.  at least that’s what i tell myself.  it is cowardly to isolate.  being alone and unseen is sometimes easier than asking for what you want.  i don’t want to be a ghost to my own existence.  whether i am brazen or ridiculously out of touch with reality, i’d still rather fight for what i really want than settle for a half life.

this week’s grey’s was particularly powerful.  about isolation.  bravery.  being unseen but brilliant.  being stupid but brave. being honest.

• meredith is not a hero in her own loneliness, she’s a coward for letting derek get away.  but she’s opening up the curtains to her soul and letting herself face the darkness.
• derek’s a coward for choosing subpar and knowing it.
• the whole don’t ask don’t tell arch.
• cristina is the unseen hand to burke’s brilliance and she’s finally letting herself feel it.
• callie and erica are obviously fragmenting which can’t be healthy.  you don’t make friends easily?  really, is that what it is?
• lexie is fearfully aware of being forgotten, if the deepest form of physical intimacy is forgettable what does that say about your wholeness in relationships?

still have something to lose

fear means you still have something to lose.-chief webber

there are no guarantees in life.  you can save a man and not save your marriage.  you can give someone your whole heart and they can walk away.  these are the kind of lessons i think you learn over and over in life.  perhaps because they are singlehandedly so painful that your psyche could not bear the full impact of them at once.  perhaps because as your spirit fights for life, these events threaten to kill it – and so you must keep gasping for air and you must not bear it all at once. 

life has me thinking and i think it’s still better to love someone, it’s still better to be afraid than dead.  it’s still better to love someone because it’s letting your light shine.  at least mopping up the blood after your heart is bruised or stabbed at least means you still have blood to give- life to live.  maybe this is all too emotionally morbid, maybe coming to terms with the darker side of life just means you can look it square in the face and then keep walking.

walking with blinders

May my eyes be wide open- I don’t want to walk around with blinders on.  I want to see people, really see them. 

stories of invisible nature.

Your dad’s a drunk.  I had to start cleaning up my dad when I was 7.  That’s when I turned into the grownup  of the family.  So you got to wait ’til you were 24.  Good for you.

It’s natural for children of trauma, outsiders and people who feel generally “freaky” to harden themselves.  It’s easier to build up walls and quarantine your heart than to constantly notice the differences between yourself and the world around you.  The comparisons can be crippling.  For some reason, in the meantime, everyone else is put on a pedestal.  Humans connect the seemingly scattered dots to conclude that everyone else’s lives are  perfect.  We lock up our heart and throw away the key.  We don’t want to feel different, so we figure loneliness is at least decent company. 

And then someone comes in who crumbles all walls and defenses and you realize that you’ve been too stubborn and too prideful.  We’re all a little bit “freaky”. 

My perfect little life?  Have you been paying attention at all?

We may feel invisible or altogether too visible.  So invisibility becomes our badge and we wear it proudly, albeit silently.  We assume the ones with the beautiful faces could never understand and are surprised when they do.  We’re almost a bit miffed to realize they understand more than we think, because now our badge of honor is removed and we’re all just the same, only they are prettier.

Guys like you who dont see girls like me.  We don’t exist for you.  We exist to do your homework and we exist to build your ego up.

And every now and then, the pretty ones see us and they reach across the abyss that we’ve created into our private pain and secluded spaces.

I’d have been honored, to take a girl like you to homecoming.

And in a way, maybe believing that we exist is even scarier than feeling invisible.  Because if we exist, we have choices to make.  And the risk is more frightening than a choiceless life.

the face of tv

Don’t let it be the season finale of all your favorite shows.  At this point, if things don’t get solved that’s going to be likely.  Let the writers earn fair residuals from internet and dvd viewing, like the actors earn.  This is the new face of American television.

If you’re confused on the point of the strike, here’s some information as relayed by your favorite primetime actors!  :)

spilling out

But my point is…Meredith. That moment where she tells Mark that Ellis never got Halloween together and didn’t approve of knocking on doors, begging for food… That moment explains so so so much to me about our lovely, broken Meredith. That her first experience trick or treating is taking an earless boy around the hospital to make his pro-bono surgery happen… I find it utterly heartbreaking. And I love that Mark points out to her that she fell pretty far from the Ellis tree. I think it was critically important to Meredith to hear those words, because the haunting Meredith is feeling, is the fear that she will die alone like her Mom did. Because Derek said he might find someone else before she’s ready. And she doesn’t know how to get ready. Cause she’s an emotional cripple who’s unwilling or unable to lay her ass down on a therapist’s couch for the many years it takes to work through issues like she has. Meredith’s version of therapy – her very best idea – is to bring her mom’s ashes to work. Y’know, in a strange way it makes sense – like, she understands that she’s been sticking her mom in the back of her closet, literally and metaphorically – and that if she doesn’t start to look at this stuff (i.e.: herself) she’s in danger of dying alone (i.e.; losing Derek forever.) Life is hard isn’t it? But I love and applaud Meredith’s ongoing willingness to try – as she explains to Derek when his hands are covered in mommy dust and he’s looking at her like maybe, just maybe he should escort her up to the psych ward, “This is me trying.” See, Derek comes from sanity, and a Mom who probably made him homemade Halloween costumes every year and chaperoned the school dances and things – so it’s hard for him to get, exactly how haunted Meredith is. Richard, though, gets it. Because Ellis haunts him, too. And my favorite scene, maybe ever, is the one in which Richard and Meredith put Ellis to rest in a surgical sink.

-Grey Matter, Blog of the Grey’s Anatomy Writers

This is turning out to be Grey’s Fridays.  I don’t want to do just another recap of the show because hello, there are plenty of sites you can go to to catch up.  And besides, you can always watch the episodes free on ABC.com.

But really, saying life is messy isn’t all that insightful.  Any idiot knows that.  But Meredith is realizing that the things you try hardest not to deal with always have a way of seeping out of your life’s cracks, right back in front of your face.  It’s like trying to shove an uncontained liquid into a closet.  Impossible.  I mean really.  Even those people with fancy container systems, those people who seem contained, compartmentalized, tightly wound or controlled.  Wait til life starts to crack.  Stuff will come spilling out.

Derek laid it on the line, and Meredith seems to get it.  In order to become ready, it requires doing the hard work of seeing all that’s standing in your way.  Love is not easy…love is a battlefield. :)

timing is everything

Meredith & Derek – Timing is Everything

…I think he finally sees and accepts Meredith for who she truly is — regardless of whether or not she’s able to give him what he wants in that moment.  He simply loves her.  In spite of everything that’s gone before and no matter what happens next.

-Grey Matter, Official Blog of the Grey’s Writers

Lately I’ve been realizing that timing is everything.  And part of loving someone well is recognizing timing.  It is obvious that just because I can or want to do something–it means the timing is right.  It would be foolish of me to think that relationships do not operate on the same element.  So, combine two individuals and you exponentially increase the element of timing.  And I want to be a person who loves well.  Patience is a lesson I’m learning.

In the course of Grey’s Anatomy, Derek is learning a hard lesson.  No matter how hard or much or fully he loves Meredith- she is simply not ready.  Differing life stages is no one’s fault.  Rushing things lead to the dissolve of Burke and Cristina.  If someone is not ready or cannot yet be ready, you cause greater damage to push things.  Nothing good seems to come from anything forced.  This is a painful lesson.  Do you wait, continue to love well, hope?  Sometimes this act is an act of obedience, a practice of patience, a virtue of some kind and other times it is desperation, blind logic and wishful thinking.  What is the difference?

To love simply, wholly, fully and well is perhaps the greatest challenge.  And to love when nothing can be returned or exchanged or offered is even more difficult.  Perhaps though, learning to be selfless is the reward. 

grey’s season 4.

Grey’s Anatomy 4.01 – Derek and Mark

Wow, Derek actually saying something to the overwhelming situations that Meredith is going through.  Way to be unselfish.

What did you think of the season premiere?  I thought it was kinda lackluster…nothing grand after a 3 month hiatus.  It was okay.

broken places

Grey’s Season 3: Derek & Ellis Scene

there’s been nothing on tv this summer, so i’ve been rewatching season 3 of grey’s anatomy on abc…tonight’s episode was one of my favorites this year.  it contains 3-4 of the most memorable scenes, scenes that packed quite an emotional punch.

the scene between derek and ellis (ellis is derek’s girlfriend meredith’s mother) always hits me in different ways.  it’s always really raw and yet at the same time really healing. 

there’s something really validating about it.  the pain that strikes at your core, the wounds that came in childhood that taught your little girl heart to fear. 

this will break them.

i couldn’t sleep last thursday night.  since the accident, that’s nothing new.  but truly.  grey’s anatomy left me breathless.  full of heartache.  and questions.  i’m going to reflect primarily from the middle part of the show in which denny is finally able to really connect with meredith.  through this interaction,  meredith reveals the painful truth that the “dark and twisty side” of her took over in the water.

denny:    what happened in that water?

meredith:     i swam, i fought.

denny:    no you didn’t meredith, and you can’t stay here.

meredith:     i don’t want to…

denny:    yeah…ya do. its easier.  but you can’t.  because george’s dad died.  because izzy lost me.  and cristina…when she was 9 she was in a car accident with her father, and he bled out right in front of her while they waited for an ambulance to arrive and alex…

meredith:     -STOP-

denny:    they are barely breathing.  this will break them.  none of them deserve that.  this is the big one.  so you pay attention.  do you know what kind of miracle it is that derek is who he is?  do you know how rare it is that someone like him even exists?  he’s still an optimist, he still believes in true love and magic and soulmates.  he’s waiting for you and if you dont come back from this you will change who he is. 

meredith:     oh god…i was swimming, i was fighting… and then i thought just for a  second i thought what’s the point, and i let go i stopped fighting… don’t tell anybody…

denny’s talking spirituality here.  he’s connecting to meredith’s all-consuming search for meaning.  this is deep stuff.  where are our personal breaking points?  i think as jesus-y kind of people, we have the tendency of becoming quite “if-we-are-handed-it-we-can-handle-it.”  and i know, god takes our burdens and makes them bearable–a million christianese cliches come to mind.  i know that god is a god of suffering, we cannot escape it by our faith.   but.  when i’m honest, when i look at my own story…i know my breaking points.  the areas in my life that if lost, i believe i could lose my faith.   wow.  is that even okay to talk about?

let me start with my redemption story.  i have survived a few things, that if you knew me we could talk about openly.  i must work to remember my dignity, reminding myself that i am resilient & delightful.  those thoughts–they aren’t the first thoughts that come to mind when faced with a challenge or self-doubt. 

i am a little person.  i know what it’s like to be stared or gawked at.  i know what prejudice looks and feels like.

i long to be a mother.  thankfully, strong, wise women have stood in the gap and mothered me in ways.  i long to mother children.  my own fertility has long been a sign of hope–that God isn’t done writing my story.  that i have a hope and a future.

i  believe if i lost my fertility it might break me.  because it is linked to my story of redemption.  it is what i have held onto to maintain hope – to say “yes god, you are still here”.  my own family of origin pain points to my fierce commitment to my future family.

as much as i long to be a wife and mother, i long to be a speaker and an actress.  these areas hit at the core of who i am.  i ache to imagine life without these dreams, as it feels as a part of who i am would surely die. 

do i surrender those to god as an act of “giving up”?  what if simplicity and minimalism just isn’t in our nature.  is it safe to dream?  can i trust God with my dreams?  can i maintain my faith if they die?  is God the author of dreams or the ever-realist of my own inadequacies.  i fear surrendering these things to god for fear that losing them could indeed break me.  i am a trauma survivor.  it’s not that i don’t think i could handle some suffering.  but this, god?

maybe it’s because of my birth story.  or maybe it’s in spite of it. i was not born into a world that immediately welcomed me, called me lovely and cherished me.  that struggle still lingers.

i fought.  i begged.  i yearned.  i prayed.

my being here today is representative of my commitment to life, a better life.  but is it safe to now dream of a beautiful end to my story, the ultimate rescue story–some magic this side of heaven?

okay, back to grey’s anatomy.  derek was meredith’s “knight-in-shining-whatever”.  she let him in.  he advocated for her dignity.  she did the same for him.  a beautiful portrait of relationships.

a beautiful exchange during this past episode occurred between derek and meredith’s mother ellis.

derek:     you broke her.  you called her ordinary.  you told her time and time again that nothing she does is ever good enough.  every good thing meredith is happened despite you.  she may not survive this.  that is on you.  that is on you.

i’m not advocating bitterness and unforgiveness, i’m advocating justice.  there has to be some justice here, this side of heaven.  there has to be people who see our pain and fight for our dignity, even when we’re about to give up.  there has to be someone who sees.

“el roi” is hebrew for “the God who sees me”.  what hagar called god when he saw her affliction.  el roi, I pray you really do see me and that you know what might break me.