learning curve

Hi.  I did this video blog a couple weeks ago and it has taken me a bit to post it.  It’s such a topic close to my heart that I wanted to make sure it was just right before I shared it with you.  If I am anything, I must be honest, both with my successes and my failures, my strengths and my growth edges.  I am human.  This is just the first reflection of several.

Yes, I did Katy Perry’s Birthday Party as “dwarf entertainment”–with Taylor Swift, Perez Hilton and Julianne Hough.  I have to be honest.  Please leave me a comment–I would love to know what you think, if you have an idea for something else you want me to talk about, etc.

Eager to journey with you…

~Jen

question sesh #2

Ok, a few weeks back I got the ball rolling with question sesh #1 and I’m ready to tackle one of the harder questions I got this ’round.

So here we go:

 Don’t know if you can answer this question honestly without people thinking you’re talking about specific people (don’t know if you care) but I actually am interested in this debate/topic. How do you honestly feel about average size siblings and friends attending the LP conventions? How do you think most LP feel about it?

Yikes.  Let’s clarify one thing first–”without talking about specific people” here is quite tricky because I know exactly what the person who asked me this question is asking about (they included their opinion after the question in their email to me).  Okay–before we boil this down to a few points–let’s just say, I’m only one person among many and this is just my opinion.  And while I might not agree with ALL of the decisions someone else makes, I am able to separate that from the overall character of the person and let’s aim to all do that together, ok doke? :)

My gut reaction is wondering why random AP friends go to LPA conferences…

• Sometimes I kind of worry about voyeurism–are they just going to point and gawk.  I am being totally honest here–this is my OWN insecurity–99.9% of the AP people I’ve met at the conferences are totally not there for that and are going to try and understand what it’s like to be small.
• They kind of take over the dance floor at times.  And some of the guys pay more attention to them…again, is that just my jealousy talking?  Did I say that outloud?  But no seriously, I think there are a handful of LP guys who make a point of trying to get with tall girls at LPA conferences–it’s kind of an ego thing?  What do I know?
• Sometimes I just want it to be about the LP buds that I rarely get to see and the AP’s that go with LP friends make the group “all about them.”  Sometimes.
• I get how AP siblings would invite a friend to hang out with while their LP sibling is busy being social.  But I would say that most AP siblings would not need to do that because they have a huge community of other AP siblings that they have probably known their whole life–thus there being plenty of people for them to hang out with.

But!  There are a lot of reasons AP’s would go to LPA conferences and I’ve even wanted to invite some AP friends myself.

• Sometimes I just want my AP friends to go with me so they can understand more what it’s like to be me and understand the dynamics of an LPA convention.  I sometimes feel like I have to try so hard to fit in and make people not think I’m different that I am less vulnerable about the struggle.  So considering inviting them to a conference is one way I am letting them into my world.  But then I think about my reasons not to invite them and I am often torn.
• I have an average sized brother who went with our family to the conventions growing up.  There are a lot of average sized siblings that go and a lot of activities for them to do together.  It is like a support group for them as well.  My brother was the only AP person in our family and I imagine felt like an outsider sometimes.  So when he was a kid he had a lot of other AP sibling friends and they would have mixers and all sorts of fun things.  Now that he is almost 19, he doesn’t really go anymore.  Most of it probably has to do with the cost–why would he use his limited money for that?  I guess the need for support isn’t really predominant for him anymore–when we were kids my parents paid for him to go.  I think he’s kind of outgrown that now.   I do know he keeps in touch with other AP siblings.  There are always tons of AP family members and doctors that go to the conventions–so if my friends ever did go they would not feel out of place probably.  Did you know that 90% of LP’s are born to average sized parents? 

I guess this issue is kind of complex and really depends on the person and their own blend of LP/AP family members. 

For the most part, I think if AP friends go the main thing is to be respectful of the fact that this is the one time a lot of people who are there feel “normal”.  Realizing that is really important, in my opinion.  In some ways, my AP friends that I see day in and day out get me in ways my LP friends do not, who mostly only see me once a year.  But my LP friends and I share a bond of really understanding what the other person is going through that even my best AP friends have no idea about.  I only have a couple of best LP friends that I really know well and talk to on an almost daily basis–Zach and on a monthly basis–Josh (and his AP boyfriend David) :).  My other LP friend that I’ve gone shopping with a few times is Margaret who lives in my region so I get to see her 2-3 times a year.  But I have a lot of friends that I hang out with at the conventions and we pick up right where we left off at the convention before. 

social responsibility: celeb apprentice style

Feel free to watch the entire episode here and tell me what you think in the comments section below.  You can also check out LPA’s official press release on the matter.

First of all–seriously?!  Both celebrity teams just “happened” to want to use little people as the punch line…hmm…

I’m not a regular viewer of Celebrity Apprentice but my friend Clint (who happens to be an LP) told me about it…

So here are my thoughts:

Part 1:

“Jesse James bathed by midgets…”
“That would be funny”.
“Jesse James being bathed by little people.”

It’s not even about the word – midget vs. little people.  Seriously.  What is so inherently funny about me, or a group of people like me?  Just stick a midget in a commercial and people will laugh?  That hurts. 

What if I changed midget to black person, homosexual, or mentally retarded?  Is that so laughable?  So then why is it okay–or why is it so darn funny–”midgets” make it viral?

Just put a bunch of little people in the video and people will gawk and laugh?  Wow.  I’m not angry because they used the less PC-term, midget, instead of little people.  I’m angry that they think I’m a sub-species just inherently funny because I exist.  I’m all for comedy–even things that push the envelope–but what about social responsibility?

Tell me, will someone please tell me, why I am such a joke?

Part 2:

Okay, so obviously the LP’s aren’t offended and need a buck or two or are perfectly fine with “selling out.”  But at the end of the day, I would urge them to consider the bigger picture.  Bigger than a freakin’ dollar or two–did they consider the social implications of what they were participating in?  That they were hired to be laughed at.  What would LP children think who saw this?  That they exist to be laughed at?

Jesse James was pretty nice overall, “I treat ‘em like anyone else, they’re exactly the same as us, they’re just ‘that big’”.  But what I didn’t get was this statement by James:

“They know that people point and laugh at them and they’re totally comfortable within themselves to laugh back.”

I get it.  So I’m just not “comfortable with myself” so I won’t put myself in their position?  How about the fact that I am just one generation ahead of the little people whose parents gave them up to institutions and circuses because society told them to be ashamed?  Why would I support taking things back a decade or two, rather than moving things forward.  My biological parents gave me up for adoption because they didn’t want me to be institutionalized in Israel.  They gave me a chance.  It hurts, it makes me really sad, that we’ve come so far and yet still have so far to go.

SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY people, SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY.  Get into it.

Feel free to watch the entire episode here and tell me what you think in the comments section below.

face what you fear

They didn’t look away, your friends, they didn’t cringe, not one of them. They didn’t look away, you looked away. You didn’t trust them, you looked away from them.
-Lexie Grey, Grey’s Anatomy 5.18

If this blog isn’t vulnerable, it’s nothing. I’m so rarely vulnerable sometimes I forget what my speaking voice sounds like when I see my emotions seep out. I forget the cracks in my voice. I was going to say, “when I let emotions get the best of me”, but then I realized that is what got me into this problem in the first place. The fact that I so often equate showing emotion in my personal life with weakness. In the audition room, I hear the vulnerability come out that I so often hide from. In the audition room, I can find beauty in the tears.

Most of my life so far was spent trying to prove that being a little person wasn’t a stigma. While I have come to believe that now, the repurcussions of that meant that I tried to convince the world that I was fine, all the time. Every tv interview I gave, it was my sole goal to prove to the audience that I was acceptable and dignified. I have come to realize this flaw in myself and am growing into a person who is much more comfortable letting you see my vulnerability.

Not every day do I love being small. But the days I don’t, I am learning to let people in–to share in it. I looked away from my friends, expecting them to cringe. I blamed them so often–felt they should have seen my struggle–yet I was too closed off to allow them to. I felt that if they saw the days I struggled when boys didn’t see me as more than friend material that they would secretly gloat that they weren’t small. But the fact was, I was connecting all the wrong dots in the wrong order. Half the time, it wasn’t the fact I was small, it was something else. And nobody was gloating. It was my fault, I didn’t let them in. That was the big chip on my shoulder–my inability to be vulnerable. I am slowly chipping away at it and I’m coming to be proud of my imperfections.

question sesh #1

I recently posted asking if anyone had any questions which might spur further blogs.  Jenny sent me a long list of options (thanks!) so I will try to tackle a few week.  If anyone else has questions, send them to me and I’ll try to answer as many as I can…  :)  Feel free to comment away, I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Do you consider “midget” to be the same as the N word and F*got?  How do you feel about all of those words being used casually. Do you think it’s OK if it’s used in a joking manner with friends? If 5 average sized teenage friends tell “midget” jokes together at their house, do you think that’s OK?

Honestly, it totally depends on the tone.  I don’t get angry immediately if someone with good-intentions is describing me as one–especially if they are older or they just don’t know.  But that word does carry with it a lot of sting so it’s best not to use it.  Roger Ebert tackles the topic gracefully and I really commend his thorough intent to understand it.  That word has a loaded and hurtful history.  Especially when used maliciously, the word does carry a lot of pain as it was used when I was teased as a little girl.  I will admit I have used it jokingly myself with another little person–my friends and I sometimes lovingly call each other “midge” or something like that before–and other LP’s reciprocate.  Still, I believe it’s one of those words you have to experience the pain of firsthand in order to be given the power to use it.  That is why I do not use nor find it acceptable to use racial or homophobic slurs.  No matter how many friends I have in those communities, I still have not experienced their pain firsthand so out of respect feel I have no rights to those words.  Also, more often than not slurs are used to inflict pain and for that reason alone I would never want to even jokingly use a word that has been used to damage others. 

 Have you ever seen a LP act rudely/unfairly to an average size person and thought they were out of line?  (Not personal, you seem like a great person – just a question) Do you ever feel you have a chip on your shoulder towards average sized people? (I communicated once with a LP online who was very rude to everybody, I felt the chip-on-shoulder attitude) do you think that’s common, is it something you catch yourself against doing?

Yes.  Not cool.  Golden rule here–treat others how you want to be treated.  Chips on your shoulders don’t make you very pretty.  Vulnerably speaking, we have all carried chips on our shoulders at one point or another and it is something easy to associate any slight to the blaring obvious LP-thing.  I work through doing this in counseling and am one to try to always put my motives and assumptions in check.  I ask myself the ‘chip on your shoulder’ question a lot so I am really always trying to keep myself aware that it is a great possibility.  Luckily, I find others who have a joyful spirit about them most wonderful to be around so I try to remind myself of that a lot when I get down on myself for being different.

awkward grocery store moments

for the most part, grocery stores always include awkward moments as i scan the aisles looking for friendly-ish faces walking by to see if they can grab the lilac scented tide detergent on the top shelf.  i’ll stand there for 3 minutes and then if no one walks by, i usually settle for choice #2.  i used to climb the shelves more often which is just always even more awkward as 1. i don’t usually dress for success (forget to change out of a dress or something into more climbing-appropriate clothes) 2. the stares i get from that act are more awkward than the typical “she’s a dwarf” stares.

anyways, today’s edition of “awkward grocery store moments” is affectionately called “awkward check-out moment”.  so the lady’s bagging my assortment of random purchases and then at the end she goes, “i really like that little people happy planet show”.  this brings me to my first note.  no one seems to get the title right, here is an assortment of misnomers i have heard…

• little people in the world
• little people big planet
• little big people
• people big world
• people in a big world
• or my personal favorite, midgets in a big world (don’t you just love its pc-appeal!) :)

for the sake of this blog, we shall call it lpbw, or lpb-dubs for the remainder of this post. 

same situation different beat

so today i was at the center for all people who stare, i mean the mall, picking up some alterations from nordstroms when these two gorgeous african-american children (probably 6 and 4) started shrieking when they saw me.  pretty typical, understandable behavior from a child, not really a big deal.

mommy, look at that tiny ladyyyyyy….mommyyyy…mommy look.  that lady is tiny.  what’s her name mommy, is that tiny lady a mommy?

the mom, who seemed darling and confident by the way, simply hesitated for a moment (you could almost see the wheels turning as she decided what to do) and then she came over to me and simply said,

i’d really like for my children to shake your hand and meet you.  is that ok?

it was really no problem for me at all.  i’d much rather have that than hear a really awkward, embarrassed explanation from the mother just trying to get her kids to shut up and pretending they never said anything.  kids ask questions about everything, certainly things that are out of the ordinary.  it was really not a problem. 

but it got me thinking, a similar situation happened before and the vibes i was getting were totally different.  what was it?  was it how she phrased everything so politely?  was i just a grumpy gills last time?  was it because the man before took a lot more time and did not seem to even notice that my time might be worth something?  i do not know.

the children politely shook my hand and i talked to them for a moment.  they were not a problem at all.  what was super awkward and annoying was the man who kept staring even after i walked away and turned around and we made eye contact as he continued to stare.  like he saw me notice him staring 3+ times and he never averted his gaze.  his mouth was dropped open and he just stood there watching me.  yes, i am alive.

how rude (of me)!

I felt particularly heinous yesterday when I was forced to learn a lesson from my littlest (albeit 6 foot) brother.  He is normally the “wild child” of the family, but let all who read this hear it straight from me–he was the mature one yesterday!  :)

So we’re walking through Macy’s because I am taking him shopping before he leaves for college in a few weeks.  Freshmen gotta look good, right?  Anyways, we’re walking when all of a sudden I sense someone following me very close behind.  I turn around in a semi-dramatic fashion (no, me?!) and this guy’s eyes are wide, mouth is gaping and he is engaged in ultimate starefest 2008 winning the gold medal by a landslide.  And normally I’m couth about these kind of things, I “get it”, I can roll with it, whatever.  But for some reason this is getting under my skin and I say loudly, “okay sir, your staring is getting really awkward and obvious.”  How rude of me!  So I turn back around  to check out his reaction and he gives me an eerily creepy wave and hasn’t for one second stopped staring plus now he is “looking me up and down”.  I notice his eyes are too wide for comfort so I start walking faster and glance at my brother who is being uncharacteristically cool as a cucumber.

He whose website is called “awkwardpeet” hasn’t been the least bit awkward, in fact, he’s been a ray of stunning maturity as his sister crumbles under the stares. 

“What’s his deal?” I whisper to my brother.
“He’s slow.”
“What?”
“Jen…he’s slow.  He has a mental handicap.”
“Really?  Oh crap.” 

Suddenly inside my 4′1″ self seems to shrink to 2 inches and I feel bad.  Really bad.  Of all the mindless staring I have been gracious about (like how I give myself props?) only to take it out on someone with difficulties.  Lesson learned.  Don’t let your emotions get the best of you.  I was immature and mean.  And my brother was kind enough to understand that the endless staring sometimes really can drive a person mad.

“midget”

maybe because we don’t have a naacp or maybe because comedians don’t have to take classes in social responsibility or maybe because i’m just not “hilarious” enough to understand, i don’t get it. do they not think we have feelings?  do they not understand that i too have to live and breathe in the same world as them and sometimes they make me feel as if i should be ashamed i was created.  i mean the point isn’t just for the world to be “pc” and “nice”.  it’s just sometimes their words make me feel like i have to apologize for being alive.  i know i don’t, i’ll prove them wrong.  and maybe i shouldn’t give them the free advertising but youtube’s main page did and i just want to expose it and let the light heal the wounds.  maybe that’s not the best idea.  i don’t know.  i’m just being honest and maybe a little too vulnerable.

ps. i know a lot of little people let themselves be ridiculed via the media–they choose really degrading things.  i can’t just blame the creators of it since they are willing participants.  i so wish they would say no to it.  i wish they had more self-esteem.

“awesome blossom fabulous fantastic”

Simply youtube “Dance Battle” for some fierce, supa-fly dancing that will make this handicap (me jokes!) wish she had some moves.  Right now it’s Adam / Chu Dance Crew vs. Miley & Mandy Cru.  I can’t wait to be on the View so personality will be enough to allow me to participate (hee!  No but seriously, I will earn the right to make a cameo on this type of thing someday! ♥)  Broadway and this are my loves because they take me outside my “dis-ability” and let my mind soar to another place where I too can shake it.  I mean that partially in jest, but also seriously.  As a kid, I lived on a good dance break or musical which made me forget all about the stares, the teasing…everything.  All they need is a little Rockette legs, right Stacers?  I kidds I kidds! :)

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