you have my heart

i hostessed at katy perry’s 25th birthday tonight.  it was a pretty crazy, kaleidoscopic, fun, brightly colored bash.  a regular hollywood soiree.  taylor swift, julianne hough, perez hilton, jonny makeup – lots of famous faces were there.  grateful for a new opportunity to learn and grow – and be reminded of what really matters. the people in my life are what matters, they are my heart and without them i would be lost.  a few names especially come to mind–stacey, arthur, sara m., bonnie, jack, claire, renessa, debbie u., mama dana, johanna, shari, just a few of the people who have known me and know my heart and what i am made of.  a couple of them are new friends, yes, but friends who hold and carry pieces of my core.  hollywood may allure and twinkle, but my own reflection is what i have to live with.  i am reminded of the message i want my life to reflect.  a life loving people–i hope those in my life know how much i love them.  i hope my disposition reflects joy and love to strangers. i am reminded of my family and those who hold powerful stories.  of the children i nannied and mentor and love.  and i am reminded of greater issues.  of greater battles that are being fought.  of kate.

out on a limb here

i have been waiting and waiting for this clip to make it to youtube.  thank you to new friend paolo presta for sending it to me. as weird as it sounds, i get a lot of truth from grey’s anatomy.  god nudgings if you will.  this one hit me like a ton of bricks. without further adieu, let’s just get to the point.  first the clip, then my video response…

love and peace TO ALL!

changeling

I have really struggled with my faith over the past year or so.  Actually, when I think about it I really haven’t doubted God so much as I have lost a great deal of faith in church.  I probably too-obviously hint about it and then try to act coy like no one gets it.  But this boy-loving girl just doesn’t understand why the Christian world at large is sometimes so-hateful toward my boy friends that like boys.  I get that this isn’t a big issue for everyone and I probably make it a bigger issue than it needs to be, but I just want to scream when I feel people make God out to be a hate-monger.  But I really do pick fights and need to confess that, both to my Dad and to everyone else.  This probably has something to do with some lacking area in my own life, things I am working through.  I think the frustration with church (not a specific church mind you, but the American church at large) buts up and juxtaposes itself against coming to terms with my own issues (abuse, parents divorce and remarriage, etc…things that are just too painful and not appropriate for a public blog).  I am in counseling and thriving, which is a testament enough!  :)  I am fighting with the idea of institutionalized religion and authority, and I’m sure I’ll work through it and come to terms with it.

And at the end of the day, I know God is still God.  I am thankful that while I fight internally about the concept and realities of church–I know without a shadow of a doubt that there is a God in all this mess.  I don’t know exactly what that always looks like or understand the complexities of how everyone relates to that.

But THE POINT IS I saw “Changeling” last night and it was fabulous.  Fabulous actually isn’t the right word, that is more fitting for something light and bubbly and refreshing in my humble opinion.  Changeling was moving and gut-wrenching and important and earnest.  It was traumatic and enriching and a story too important not to tell.  It was why I want to be in this industry more than anything, to tell stories that need to be told.  I get more spiritual insights from film and tv than anything else really.  Sounds crazy to some but it’s how God works in my life

“Changeling” reminded me big time of something I needed to be reminded of.  There is evil and oppression and injustice and corruption out there and in my own life.  That movie was so piercing to my heart.  All I wanted to do is run home and hold all the babies in my care.  To protect children everywhere.  There was so much evil in the hearts of the villians in the story–the man who brutally kidnapped and murdered those boys, the police chief who tried to bury the story, the policeman who had Collins put into a horrific mental institution and emotionally assaulted her in such corrupt ways, the cruel psychiatrist at the institution).  There is no hope in this world but a God who can redeem, restore and save us.  That movie reminded me of so many things, but one thing stood out–this world is so in need of a savior.  The lyrics that kept pingponging around my mind during the most intense scenes to watch were, “justice and mercy meet on the cross” (from Brenton Brown’s ‘Jesus You Are Worthy’).

So despite my own struggle with institutional church I know there is a God out there and I need God to save me.