there’s a huge part of this blogging world that makes me really nervous. i don’t know about you, but despite self-confidence and charm, there’s still a huge part of me that’s a people pleaser. and although this blog isn’t exactly totally public– my circle of friends are as wide as they come. i’ve always been someone who wasn’t in a particular clique and didn’t have one type of friend. but in my case, i have a huge pendulum of readers–from my dear mentor friend jayne who’s amazing and cool but “churched” to ministry colleagues to my gay broadway boys and dancer friends. so this whole blogging thing has given me heart palpitations on a few instances, when i wasn’t sure how a blog would be received on either end.
i’m learning it’s okay though to stand in the middle with hands outstretched to all–realizing my hardest lesson in life is that i may disappoint others. i’m just me, this blog represents my perceptions based on where i stand in the world. i don’t want to force faith down anyone’s throat, i hope i’m more open-minded than what you expected–yet i also realize there are some of you out there who are probably going to get a little squeamish with the direction i’m going.
so it probably doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that i come from a wounded background. at first glance, to some i probably come across as tough, hardened and feisty. yet in the acting industry, i find acceptance and love–because there’s a lot of us creative, misunderstood souls out there. through it all, i’ve maintained a sense of faith and i think love is the most powerful weapon on earth. i’m defined by this faith–and yet relationships are really what anchors me and keeps me going.
yet if you dig a little bit, if you crack my tough exterior shell, (some of my gays are probably laughing right now because you don’t find me tough at all) you will probably find a very mushy heart that bleeds easily. in all my “sassy-ness” i’m also a girl who just wants to be a mom and take care of the world. i just want to live in a little house in the country with my four children and a stable marriage. of course, that is after i’ve “conquered” hollywood, hehe.
but i’ve noticed that relationally, as i stand in limbo with someone hoping to figure out this crazy world we call romance–i notice that when wooed and loved i become more and more of this girl who’s soft and gentle and lovely. taken directly from my journal:
…it leads me to feeling insecure…out of place…and insignificant. unworthy. not enough. i so want to be enough. adequate. loved. cherished. it’s so funny how feeling loved brings out the tenderness, the femininity in me. the woman who does really want to commit/mother/nurture/even be domestic! but as soon as she feels threatened she will perhaps run/harden/shut down that part of herself. flee before one is rejected. it’s like her wounded soul must respond to the fear of abandonment and rejection by lashing out and saying fine! (or “f-this”). whatever! who needs you? i can do this on my own.
with your permission i will walk this line of vulnerability further and say that when a boy has his temporary “freak out” as a relationship progresses, i have to resist every fiber of my being from wanting to just throw in the towel. especially if i really care about someone and have invested 8 months of myself in taking the next step of faith, believing that this investment is worth it.
because i’m so afraid of abandonment and rejection, the past 3 days during the “freak out” my wounded self has found solace in a very sad place. the world of the pussycat dolls–oversexualization, not even that great of artistry, some sort of “empowerment”. here…i’ve posted the video so you can see the sad state of affairs my heart has come to.
Pussycat Dolls – I Dont Need A Man
ok. let’s go there. i realize there’s very little artistry here, but there’s something about the wounded woman, at least in my case, that’s like an untamed black bear. fiercely protective yet if you cross her she lashes out.
lisa bevere, an author i ran across, said something powerful about “fighting like a girl”. it’s been really helpful to me as i navigate these relational waters. she really encourages me to feel comfortable with the emotional side of me. she points out some strengths that have been undervalued in women:
- women can raise up life–both as wives and mothers, but even as single women–our strength has the ability to encourage, inspire and motivate.
- women can speak life into others. i have the ability to use my allure for good. i can truly affect change relationally.
- i can speak strengths to others strengths, when i see others in love, and speak life and truth into their life, guys often want to rise to the challenge.
anyways, i’m not doing her justice but she really offers me another look at empowerment. more on this to come…perhaps tonight.