there’s only this.

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Rent: No Day But Today

i find a lot of solace in blasting broadway tunes on my ipod:  wicked, aida, avenue q, legally blonde, altar boyz, rent, spring awakening, light in the piazza, anything kristin chenoweth, mix broadway tapes made by my dearest stacey, grady or adam.  if i lived in new york city i’d probably be broke from seeing every show known to man.  or maybe not.  maybe because i live in seattle and shows come around rarely, i can spend hours on youtube catching clips and my favorite songs being belted out from the big stage.

i’ll be honest, you might think i’m a bandwagoner broadway fan, and i admit it’s only been growing on me for the past few years.  because i live in seattle, there’s rarely the opportunity to see a good show.  and it’s very expensive (i don’t think we have a lottery system) and the seats go super fast.  the last show i saw in seattle was the wedding singer and i thought it just okay.  i saw pippin in toronto and that was not bad, but then i fell in love with wicked and saw it twice in toronto.

but lately, actually just since the accident, life has felt very unsettled.  next year: seattle or portland?  radio city or teaching?  will i get a job or continue to be unemployed?  will the medical insurance come through or will i get stuck with the $25k-ish?  will i be left behind by the gaggle of newly married friends, where have all my single girls gone?  what’s going on with the boy, it looks like it’s over?  is god the author of dreams or do i just need to let certain ones die?  how come my heart’s cry is to be an actress but i’m physically limited by my size because i live in a world without audition opportunities?  now before you run off and tell your mama i have some kind of generalized anxiety disorder, it probably sounds a lot worse on the blog than it is in real life.

but really, i’m learning that yes, 15 seconds can change your life.  i got into an accident, moments before i was happily returning to portland with plans to reaudition for radio city.  15 seconds later and then the insurance falls through and you have to let your acting dreams go so you can get a stable job and make payments.  you never dreamed of debt, you have less than $10k after 5 years at a private university.  debt is the death to dreams when you’d wanted to live a gypsy life.  no more la vie boheme.

so now i’m applying for teaching jobs for stability even though i didn’t want to teach for 3-5 more years.  and thinking very seriously about moving home to seattle–i miss the community.

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