it was a really hot day in portland today. we don’t have any fans so the air just seems to stick to the back of your neck. i’m not a huge fan of being hot, so i sort of just moped around and read. the sun is usually a welcome interlude from all of the northwest grey, but today i was feeling sort of wistful. it was as if the sun was asking me to be overly cheerful, and i just didn’t want to play.
i’ve been lonely in portland the past few weeks. perhaps knowing that in just a few short months i will return to my loving seattle community has done me in. i’ve lost the purpose of being here for the time being. i enjoy my hillsboro weekends with the roloffs tremendously but my lack of a structured week leaves me feeling like a trapped cat.
anyways, i finished the book i was reading tonight at about 9pm with every intention of going to bed early. i’d been fairly tired all day. but unfortunately a wistful 2nd wind hit me about an hour ago and now i really can’t sleep.
thoughts seemed to bounce around my head in unusual non-specific ways. ordinary things i know seemed unusual, like they were revealing themselves to me in surprising ways. for example, i suddenly saw with fresh eyes that my parents were divorced (this has been a truth for nearly four years now i think) but it was as if it hit me all of a sudden. not in a particularly emotional way, just in the way that things will never be the same–and if you had asked me at eight years old could i imagine this truth to be so, how would i have responded?
lately, life has felt very fickle–almost that events and circumstances can dramatically change the course of one’s life. because of my accident-related unemployment, i have spent free mornings catching up with abc’s the view. seeing how quickly a friendship between colleagues dissolved, having such a private matter aired in front of me, really made me think.
the next day the “news” was all over the internet that rosie had asked to terminate her contract 3 weeks early. obviously who knows what really went down, but rosie’s video blogs tell a sad story. for some reason being an outsider to such a “relationship-changing moment” really made me think of all the situations in my past where a specific situation has drastically affected the course of a relationship.
hilary who always provides great things to ruminate over, echoed similar thoughts a few weeks ago, which i am now reminded of — in her post goodbyes and hellos.
life changes quickly sometimes. it sure does. life events sometimes change people which then change their relationships. relationships sometimes die. i guess it is all part of life.