the christians and the pagans sat together at the table.

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these are the words to one of my favorite dar williams songs…i approach this post with some trepidation because it’s been stirring in my heart for some time now and i want to get the words out just right.  like i told someone earlier today, blogging makes you confront the parts of yourself that are not as integrated, the christian part of me and the pagan part.  because of my jobs in ministry and in performing, it has been easier to segregate these parts in small ways.  now before you get any crazy ideas that i’m a church girl gone wild, i’m really the same girl in both settings.  my behavior doesn’t really change to fit the job, i just choose not to talk about church when i’m performing and vica versa. 

i have to confess that that is not the healthiest nor most honest way to live.  i was afraid to say i liked jesus because that has negative connotations by a lot of good-hearted people, rightfully earned connotations.  people in my faith, including myself at times, have been very judgmental.  i wanted to be cool and liked so i just didn’t talk about that part of myself very often.  i still have a lot of questions and well, mostly things i’m not so sure about.  so please accept my statement of faith as a humble attempt at spirituality, if it helps for you to not use that label that is fine by me.

yet blogging forces your worlds to collide.  suddenly all your different groups of friends are hearing your voice, and your voice better be congruent, genuine and honest.  blogging has challenged me to own what i say and yet realize that i am blessed to live in two very different worlds.  someday i hope the christians and the pagans can sit together at the table.  until then, i’m going to live in the tensions–both of you have taught me so much about life.  i realize that no one wants to be defined by a group they belong to.  i also realize that a life lived authentically, in my own space, yet being true to who i am should garner critique from both christians and pagans.  because that means i am being truly myself, flaws and all, and honest that there is so much i know nothing about.

humbly and gratefully yours,

jen

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