all of this time i’d planned, i’d be patient and you would love me again. you’d come to respect my mind and at last you’d find, you could love me again. and i have turned my whole world upside down trying not to let you go, watching you walk away is like a fatal blow.
-elle, legally blonde the musical
being a child of divorced parents teaches you that nothing, this side of “heaven”, lasts forever. and yet, if you flip that thought on its side, it provides the freedom to breathe deeply–you try your best and yet you never know. people walk away. people misunderstand. you make other choices. you fail.
sometimes you reach what’s realest by making believe. unafraid, unashamed, there is joy to be claimed in this world. ever ever after. though the world will tell you it’s not smart.
-carrie underwood, ever ever after from “enchanted”
how any of this relates to my taking down my post about my experience in new york in which i entitled “top post and dwarf stories”–i’m not quite sure. i took it down because i was stumbling over my words. because being called a “racist” was tripping me up–i couldn’t formulate a sentence because somehow my core was unsure of itself.
trying to dillute all frankness in order to become politically correct was killing me. i know that my intent was thoughtful. i spent the rest of the day worried that i had offended and thinking of every possible angle in which my words could be misconstrued. then i realized. wow, i have the freedom to delete a post if it is so stressing me out. it wasn’t worth it. this is a blog, not a thesis statement. i wanted the freedom to tell a funny story without it being dissected.
i forget that people who read my blog don’t know me personally. i forget a handful of people out there might find this blog from a friend’s tv show. i know about responsible writing, about being a role model, about producing work that is morally beneficial. i was just trying to tell a story. i’m going to give it time to breathe and try again. i’m not a racist. i also appreciate the levity of looking at life through another lens–i am completely and innately someone who searches for the comedy, even if its the dark kind.