face what you fear


They didn’t look away, your friends, they didn’t cringe, not one of them. They didn’t look away, you looked away. You didn’t trust them, you looked away from them.
-Lexie Grey, Grey’s Anatomy 5.18

If this blog isn’t vulnerable, it’s nothing. I’m so rarely vulnerable sometimes I forget what my speaking voice sounds like when I see my emotions seep out. I forget the cracks in my voice. I was going to say, “when I let emotions get the best of me”, but then I realized that is what got me into this problem in the first place. The fact that I so often equate showing emotion in my personal life with weakness. In the audition room, I hear the vulnerability come out that I so often hide from. In the audition room, I can find beauty in the tears.

Most of my life so far was spent trying to prove that being a little person wasn’t a stigma. While I have come to believe that now, the repurcussions of that meant that I tried to convince the world that I was fine, all the time. Every tv interview I gave, it was my sole goal to prove to the audience that I was acceptable and dignified. I have come to realize this flaw in myself and am growing into a person who is much more comfortable letting you see my vulnerability.

Not every day do I love being small. But the days I don’t, I am learning to let people in–to share in it. I looked away from my friends, expecting them to cringe. I blamed them so often–felt they should have seen my struggle–yet I was too closed off to allow them to. I felt that if they saw the days I struggled when boys didn’t see me as more than friend material that they would secretly gloat that they weren’t small. But the fact was, I was connecting all the wrong dots in the wrong order. Half the time, it wasn’t the fact I was small, it was something else. And nobody was gloating. It was my fault, I didn’t let them in. That was the big chip on my shoulder–my inability to be vulnerable. I am slowly chipping away at it and I’m coming to be proud of my imperfections.


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