i’ve had kind of a cynical weekend. my heart is a mess of sensitivities wrapped in cynicism. peel it back and it is a mush of deep feelings, hopes and dreams. i don’t show that side very often, but when i do, and when it is still wounded–i get scared and thicker the wall of cynicism becomes. aren’t we all in some way pushing through–trying to remain hopeful–when everything is telling us that’s a fairytale ship that sailed a long time ago?
i thought a lot about cynicism this weekend. how scorned and misplaced trust can cause a heart to wither. i thought about letting it wither for a little bit this weekend. taylor swift’s lyric kept getting stuck in my head:
i could have loved you all my life if you hadn’t left me standing out in the cold.
but i’m sick of the IF. love doesn’t say IF. hope doesn’t say it either. i don’t want to be that person, that person who feels conditionally based on one big “if”. i don’t want to have that heart, that big angry heart. i am fighting to remain beautifully hopeful, even when it feels foolish to do so.
i have been following kate mcrae’s story and was quickly reminded how selfish an emotion cynicism really is. i’m sure the mcrae’s feel it too–but they have no choice but to fight for their daughter and hold onto hope. love has no IQ. it’d be safer not to love someone but that’s not really a choice now is it?