letting go: a hiatus from social media

I’m nearing my two year mark of living in LA and as fun and amazing as it’s been–it’s also been an intense, cross-cultural experience.

Having recently spent a few months performing in a celebrity hotspot, while simultaneously teaching full time, thus carrying an 85 hour per week workload combining the two — I’m desperate to get my bearings again. For me, this means stopping the madness of the 24/7 celebrity-obsessed warp speed of media barragement. I can’t even drive home without passing a premiere, paparazzi waiting outside Katsuya and 15 huge billboards telling me who’s made it and who hasn’t. A simple stop at a coffee shop inevitably leads to overhearing a manager fight with their assistant and a PR agent flirting up some tabloid rep on the phone.

I need to breathe again. To pause. To reflect. To let go of the anxiety and pressure. I came here to do great work, to hone my craft, not rerun the highschoolesque rat race of “keeping up with the Jones’ career.”  So I am taking a break to refocus.

What does this mean? It means letting go of the pressure to always network and feeling guilty for sleeping. It means I really don’t need to check Deadline.com daily, always aware of whose pilot just got picked up.

And it means a one-month fast from social networking. I have 2 1/2 weeks left.  I’m praying for this be a time of reflection of growth.  And healing.

Letting go…

vulnerable

tears that don’t seem to fade

(Written directly after the Oscars)

I remember when I was a little girl, about 12 years old, I went to the circus in Idaho with my family.  After the circus, somehow I was introduced to a boy, a little person about 19 years old, who was sent away to work in the circus.  How this happened, I really have no idea.  All I know is that he lived and travelled with the show and had no idea that a life outside the circus tents might be possible.  When he found out that my father was a teacher, his eyes lit up and he seemed surprise that such a path might be possible.  What was conveyed to me most specifically was the realization that the world had not changed very significantly from the days little people were side show acts in the “carnivale freakshow”.  While I understand that this was probably a rare encounter, it impressed upon me that my human dignity could only be taken as seriously as I carried myself.  And that certain privileges had been bestowed upon me, an education, that had I remained with my biological parents in Israel, would have never been possible.  A scary encounter but an encounter that planted a mustard seed of hope that sparked a desire to live boldly and fearlessly.

A little over ten years later, I find myself at the Academy Awards.  While not on my own merit, it was certainly a “full circle moment”.  Over the years I’ve heard Oprah talk a lot about dreaming.  Often times, during the course of her specific shows, women will say that their biggest dream was to attend the Oprah Winfrey show.  Oprah will usually smile and say, “you’ve done it honey, now dream a BIGGER dream.”  My experience at the Academy Awards was never exciting to star-gawk or wax poetically about being less than five feet from so-and-so.  While that was random and surreal, that was not the reason I was so weepy at nearly every acceptance speech and moving moment.  (The weepiness has not faded three days later).  My tears come from the fact that the realization of achieving a smaller dream now allows me to have just a little more confidence to dream a bigger dream.  The immense gratitude I feel in even being allowed to experience this makes me abundantly thankful.  I now have just a little more spark inside me to realize my own potential and be able to carry the liferaft and hopefully be able to pull someone else up too.  I have always wanted to be an actress, without it, nothing else in the world makes sense.

realistically hopeful

If you and I were to really get to know each other, you might gather that I tended toward being a closeted sad little girl with big, big song-and-dance to cover it. My dream of escaping into another person’s life through acting was culminated in watching the Academy Awards every year. I would often make a fort in my room and line up all my stuffed animals and make acceptance speeches. I was transfixed by the power of storytelling and the realization that humans could connect globally through television and film. In America at least, screen time is power. While this is admittedly a silly value, as a little girl I connected the dots. I had never really seen another little person on television before–so I believed that I was a sub-species of humankind and not as valuable. Ever since I was a little schoolgirl, I dreamed something different for the next generation. The thing I am most passionate about is acting, and specifically telling stories that might somehow help future children believe in a future for themselves.  Through my family background and through my dwarfism, spending most of my childhood feeling as if I were a sub-species is what fuels me today to act.  It is the thing that I live, breathe, and dream about on a daily basis.

“I grew up in a place…where this was not a very realistic dream”.

-Penelope Cruz

I am thankful though that our hearts know that realistic dreams never make us very happy.

My favorite acceptance speeches this year—beautiful, beautiful, beautiful:

Glorious musicale nod:

(I couldn’t find the Slumdog/Wall-E Medley on youtube but it was even more moving in person–I teared up both times I saw it live.  I also loved the “Craigslist Dancers” and “Reader” portion of Hugh Jackman’s opening number).

red carpet chatter

click on the thumbnails for my take of best and worst dressed.  some were fiercity-fierce, some not-so-much.  but i love awards shows, totals!

honorable mention

work it mama

who are you but i like your dress

still got it

owning it in yellow

why hello there movie star…or at least looking like it

too “ann-taylor-loft” meets “white-house-black-market”

despite the dress though, flawless styling.

like it. accessories (especially ring) were A+

so-so but i love kristin chenoweth!

you know i think you’re funny but your hair does not look fiercity-fierce.

i’m sorry, the hair, the wrapping paper fabric, the tulle. :(

love you on weeds, hate the dress. jessica mcclintock?

high school homecoming 1995?

you’re genius, but looking kinda awkward.

gratitude

God has blessed me with so many wonderful things in my life, and I will spend my entire life trying to figure out why. If you had told me a few years ago I would have been nominated with the people that I’ve been nominated with, I would have called you absolutely insane.

— Carrie Underwood

As I’ve mentioned here, here and here, I love the heroism and triumph of awards shows.  Particularly, I’m moved by a good acceptance speech.

In an industry where becoming jaded is effortless, fruitless auditions feel merciless, it’s easy to sell out, give up and go home.

For me a good acceptance speech stirs my soul and reminds me that the blood, sweat and tears of every unglamorous step in my journey may ultimately pay-off.  When someone hits it big and earns the respect of their colleagues or fans through a major award, I celebrate. 

Tears are shed each time I am moved by an impassioned, thankful acceptance speech.  It is a beautiful redemption.  Grace causes me to wonder.

don’t be too green :)

glamorous, right?  getting your makeup done is so…glamorous?  i’m probably going to some fancy party, right?  some premiere?  toting my assistant around probably, because i have seven…i mean none.

because if you knew getting my makeup done meant only concealer, photo-ready foundation and big red circles of creme blush on my cheeks…this picture wouldn’t be half as cool.  this is from a gig i did in portland a week ago monday.  just to give you all a little glimpse into what life as a striving actress is really like.  i did a photo shoot with 4 others advertising a company giving away a free porsche to the winner.  the people i worked for were really nice and i’m thankful for the gig, although i have to admit i sort of felt like a sell out.  they paid extremely well so i donned an elf outfit and posed merrily with a porsche.  fancy. 

i really am not complaining.  this is life!  you start at the bottom and you sometimes sell out if the money is high enough and you’re really broke.  i just want to dispell the misconceptions that everything in this industry is glamorous.  this is for a big billboard off the freeway in portland.  and i, being ever-so-passionate about breaking out of stereotypes, am in an elf costume.   [insert hypocracy here].

everybody bleeds this way

Mat Kearney – Breathe In Breathe Out (ABC Grey Anatomy)

Breathe in, breathe out
Tell me all of your doubts
Everybody bleeds this way, just the same.

-Mat Kearney 

This past week has felt really…human.  There’s no other word that best describes it.  Just one of those weeks where you realize you’re just another ant on the colony hill, going against the grain like everybody else.  You’re different and yet you’re all the same.

For me, looking for a job is pretty mundane.  Maybe some people get all excited about that task, but I always feel underqualified no matter if I have all the qualifications.  The inner-critic can’t help but shine when you’re having to prove yourself.

I also bit the bullet and decided to apply for a retail position until I find something else.  This is probably weird, but I’ve never much enjoyed that human feeling–where you just feel stripped of your spunk and pizazz.  Perhaps online job applications just seem to do that, since making your resume pink and scented only works in Legally Blonde.

I have an audition Monday, which would be a good gig but we’ll see. 

We all “breathe in and breathe out” – yet the mundaneness of being human never excited me all that much.

oh sally!

One classy Sally Field

If mothers ruled the world, there wouldn’t be any god-damned wars in the first place.

-Sally Field

I’m so glad that in this age of overt-sexuality, violence and general crudeness, of all things to censor, Sally Field -iconic Sally Field’s- sentence including the word DAMN was censored.  Are you kidding me? 

I thought she was a class act, a graceful icon in television and film, and I hope to have 1/10 of that grit, grace and talent when I turn 60.  She has had one legendary career and her acceptance speech still seems as fresh and enthusiastic as a new star.  She does not seem to take her trophies for granted.

And really, in the day and age we live in, to censor that is laughable.

what you ache for.

It’s ok to search out godly people to emulate.  God often gives us these people, for in them we see hope of what we could become.  Often there is a key characteristic we see in them that gives us a glimpse of what our future could be like. I have a circle of women in my life who stand in the gap for me, mentors, girlfriends and sisters.  I am a sister to those younger than me and I benefit from the wisdom of my older sisters.

The lamp of the LORD searches the spirit of a man; it searches out his inmost being.  –Proverbs 20:27

I went to the City Church’s Young Professionals service yesterday with one of my best friends who used to intern there.  City Church has several campuses, a mega church that is very program-driven.  Drawing mostly affluent white people, I’ve always been a little cautious.  The prosperity ideology kind of taints a lot of what they do.  But still, I’ve been challenged to be careful before making any huge assessments because it’s thriving, so obviously good is happening.  I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water. And I have to admit, despite my skepticism and despite every guard being up, again, without a doubt, God used Pastors Judah and Chelsea’s message in my life.  It was impassioned, prophetic and beneficial.  It’s as if they have the ability to skillfully perform surgery on our hearts, using fine tools to get under our skin without our permission.  The message yesterday was on the condition of our spirits.  I’ll link to the podcast audio file as soon as it is available here.  My spirit has felt empty, jaded and without a tether.   Judah quickly identified that it is difficult to narrow down what exactly our spirit is.  For some, it offers a visceral image, for others it is a gut feeling.  Either way, our spirit is God’s contact point.  It is critical for it to be centered, rooted and anchored, for out of our spirit flows our vision, calling, work and sphere of influence.   What spoke to me most poignantly was when Judah said,

• We have a lot of things we’re supposed to accomplish, but the question is if we really want to do the work.  Grow your spirit and you will grow your ______. 

• The underline is any aspect of your life that you’re yearning and aching for—particularly pertaining to your life’s work.  Then, here’s the kicker…what he said that so speaks to this season in my life, you will probably agree if you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time.

• Your gift will take care of itself.

• You can’t fake your life’s work.  You might be good at lots of things, but there’s something you were just born to do.  A gifting you just can’t fake.

• Grow your spirit, grow whatever else you want.

• What you’re aching for, what feels just beyond your finger tips, what’s just on the other side, God cannot give it to you yet for He knows it would destroy you.

• He won’t let your gifts take your further than your spirit is ready to sustain you.

• The spirit that got you through five years ago is not the same spirit that will get you through today…what it needed yesterday isn’t the same as today.  Feed your spirit for this season of your life.

 There are things in this life that I ache for, my life’s work, but I’m working on contentment in today.  Okay, enough procrastinating, I need to go prepare for Tuesday’s meeting with my book agent.  Sorry my posts have been erratic lately, I’m getting adjusted to the schedule of my new job.